First, let’s agree that we understand "the "BETTER THAN NOTHING"THEORY OF SERVANTSwhich is our premise or initial THESIS: The servant or worker that's there in your home has character and a good human heart, he's the fruit of 100 million years of human evolution. He's somewhere up there on the tree of life on its last fruit, bud, twig and branch just as you are, so he's not an ape and he's going to be fine, no matter how flawed the work he's doing at this point is.

If she or he doesn't set up the kidnapping and ransom of your children, buy French cheeses at the market on your nickel to wolf down in the car, steal, skim, go through your bureau drawers, doesn't pilfer, doesn't wipe his nose on his sleeve, bad rap you elsewhere in the world, carry gossip or for that matter, carry GERMS and filth, he's fine. He'll do.  Make him read Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt and leave him or her alone.

IF he/ she is clean, honorable, good hearted, doesn't steal, doesn't do neurotic stuff to your pets and kids, NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLY he /she does the job you hired him for.....if he or she has heart and loyalty to you, that servant is better than air. Or as my grandpa Eddie used to say, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

To a large extent it's as HEGEL said 'We get the government we deserve.' We also get the servant we deserve. There is fate or kismet at work here. YOU karmically ATTRACTED THAT SERVANT. Something in you magnetically attracted them. Some Gods on HIGH made you hire THEM. IT was ordained. God has a sense of humor. See this from God's point of view. What is it that made GOD send this particular loony tunes character to your door? If you see it from that POV you will be laughing, I guarantee you. That alone will make you a better master to that servant.

SO STARTING with the premise that we have here a LOYAL servant, someone good in their heart, realize that you have only a STARTING POINT. However limited that servant seems now, however much that servant seems to be PERFECT JUNK, fit only to be discarded, if the heart is good, keep him.

THE rest of the JOB is YOURS, and it's to come, THE TRAINING OF THE RUDE BUT true, GOOD though dumb, ANIMAL We must start to train them to FUNCTION FOR US, hit bases for us, be not only good but better. Do the work perfectly. Answer the phone right. Close the deal. Clean the rooms.

II. SECOND PREMISE:In the beginning, the SERVANT WILL FUCK UP ALL THE TIME. That's why the word SNAFU entered philosophy books. It means, 'situation normal, all fucked up.' The MASTER MUST BE FORGIVING of the snafu, UNDERSTANDING as that is WISDOM. Everyone on earth is doing shoddy work. That's why we're here on earth so many lifetimes. ALL of us!

III. THIRD PREMISE: THE efficacy of this programmable 'machine' you hired to do a job, the WHOLE REST OF IT ---IS INCUMBANT UPON YOU. A PC can't do anything. It requires millions of bytes of personal programming. That's why they call it a personal computer. a PC. It's personalized. None of what IS TO BE DONE FROM NOW ON falls in the area of personal responsibility of the PC!!! Or the servant. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TRAINING OF THAT PILE OF SILICONE CHIPS! COUNT on it, it's as empty as the universe before stars were born!

It's very easy to program but not so easy that we can afford to half train, then get mad and fire, half train another then fire then half train. NO, that could be really hard on you. Waste of time. The universe does not want you to lose time cuz you yourself are in a timed capsule. 70 years then blloooey! Ain't got no time.

SO let's make the first time count. Let's switch over to basic dog talk. As a servant is doglike or hey, he wouldn't be serving, he'd be YOU! A master. From now on YOU must follow these basic DOGGIE UNIVERSE LAWS:

1.) MASTER GOOD. SERVANT GOODWHEN TRAINING a stupid critter, a dog for instance, there can  be no negative emotions or burstouts. Makes who look bad? Not only dog but master! Tch Tch. I know, you suffer. I'm sympathetic. Staying "Cool'' IS REAL HARD for the trainer cuz there's nothing more enfuriating than a jerky, new servant who screws up important, costly phone messages or a baby who messes diapers or a dog who isn't housebroken. There's plenty to scream about. But don't. Ever. Cuz you broke the first rule the second you do. You wrote it backwards. Master bad. DOG BAD! That ain't good.

2.) MASTER REAL CLEAR AT SHOWING DOG. YOU must indicate with action what is expected. You act it out. A PHONE CALL. "Hello, Oh you? Yes, Mr. X. Of course. Look, He'd love to talk to you, but he's at a meeting upstairs. Can I tell him where you'll be?" See, be yourself. Talk in a friendly, warm way. Don't be automatic, don't be formal. Act it out be specific.

Go over all the features of, say, a DEAL BEING CLOSED if it's an agent. Act it out. If it's a maid and it's housework being discussed, it is incumbant upon you to clean that toilet yourself while she watches. Explain at the end why THAT sink basin or toilet has been perfectly cleaned. ACT everything OUT. Show how far that worker must go for his or her work to be acceptable. Show tools. Show the elbow stroke. Show the follow up. Close the lid. Put the little rug back on top. CARRY THE TOOLS to garden to rinse and SUN THEM and dry them in the sun. Do not forget to go get tools at close of day.

3.) MASTER REAL GENEROUS WHEN DOGGIE DOES GOOD. Now we reward. And only now. We reward in some fabulous way. A gold watch, a car, a paycheck. If it's your mate you're training, then some huggie action. A dinner out. HUGE unconscious PAVLOVIAN response follows in the animal. HE SALIVATES when he gets a chance to work for you. Then, he brings that Pavlovian response to the next chore. He works with JOY, hopeful, expectant. REWARD COMING. MAYBE MAYBE (pant pant!) Westminster Dog show is a great training tool FOR YOU, THE MASTER. See how those trainers carry bon bons and insert them into the happy critter's mouth every once and so often?

4.) KEEP SAYING POSITIVE THINGS. My new boss said something lovely once. He smiled and with great enthusiasm said, 'I am going to make all your .dreams come true." He said it with the clarity and power of a Messiah making a vow. That promise really animated me. Even years later, after decades of being paid occasionally, mostly used, often stiffed, maybe even having my script ideas stolen, shown without me along… I remembered that from the heart remark. I typed and did script rewrites and editing for him loyally for fifteen years. He always kept the "carrot" of eventual film production of my own scripts right in front of my face though I only worked on his scripts. I did Herculean work for him because I thought he could deliver what he'd promised. I also made some ready cash that I needed at the time. He gave me a bottle of Joy perfume once, and an Indian necklace and an angora sweater. Now, that's more than my boyfriend gave me in twice as many years together. It is not my boss's fault he got cancer and died without getting a script produced. I still wear all three of his gifts at the same time and remember him fondly. Learn from Harry Jakobs. He didn't just enchant me. HE PROMISED, HE VOWED he would make all my dreams come true. Said it verbally. Every big producer or funder he met coughed up exactly what he wanted. He had language bon bons that really were the hamster pellet people wanted, craved and rarely got. Too bad I didn't hear the ones he used on the big film moguls. Cuz if I had, I'd recognize he was a peanut butter spreader by reflex, none of it was reality. And if I'd heard the promises he gave to the girls he chased, the little people, I'd have realized he was a crock of shit. Ten years later none of my scripts had been shown around. Unless of course they had his name on them. Shouldha known that at the gitgo. (sigh.) But he taught me what a brilliant boss should be like. And that is a lesson that you can learn the easy way. I learned it the hard way.

5.) Reward within minutes of anything being done well. In your mind, line up some rewards. That old sweater, that skirt, those trousers, that satin baseball jacket with “I TOURED WITH BRUCE” on the back. Coloring books for her kids. Children’s clothing. Keep a line of gifts on hand stretching into infinity. Keep them in your drawer. Within minutes of the worker doing something really fabulous, praise them and say "I have a special gift for you at day's end." When work is finished, come running with the cash and the gift.