BEWARE OF HORSE FACED CONSERVATIVES
---they'll lead you down primrose paths
Ending in Fascists winning elections,
babies buried in bullet torn swath.
Beware of these lean, horsey women
born to the Republican clan,
who wear red cashmere coats at Yale functions
and date an elite Wall Street man.
Beware of slender, thirty-ish witches
who side with the oligarchs.
They'll take you down damp, dark lanes
in genocidal, corpse-littered parks.
You'll find them talking patriotism
At tony north hemisphere tea,
while babies get shot up with bullets
death only their mothers will see.
Beware, talking heads with lipstick
sirens lip-synching three syllable words,
plug your ears with wax when they start to talk
flashing eyes turn good brains to dull curd.
They're hired to justify murder;
their fine bosoms are swollen with hate.
The enemy, according to these ladies
is who to table comes late.
The in crowd draws up the rules.
The outcrowd waits starving outside.
Avoid at all costs the Hitlers
but far scarier, the rouged Goebbels bride.
But seriously folks, Annie has become a highly visible pundit on the cable news circuit, noted for her particularly coarse and inflammatory invective directed at Democrats and progressives.
On Democrats and progressives
"I think a baseball bat is the most effective way [to talk to liberals]
these days." 2004
"I'm not blaming the Democrats for 9-11 alone. I'm blaming them also for
the [USS] Cole bombing, for the embassy bombings, for 20 years of
attacks that have not been stopped. " 2004
"What the Democrats want to do is sell blacks out." 2004
"[T]he [Democratic Party] platform is violating the Ten Commandments one
by one." 2005
"Al Gore is nuts" and represents the "insane wing of the
Democratic Party." June 2004
"When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once again that
[American Taliban supporter] John Walker [Lindh] is not getting the death
penalty. We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically
intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too.
Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors." 2002
On President Clinton
"[Clinton] raped a woman and molested interns in the White House."
"[H]e was a pathological liar, a sociopath, and felon." 2004
"In this recurring nightmare of a presidency, we have a national debate
about whether he 'did it,' even though all sentient people know he did.
Otherwise there would be debates only about whether to impeach or
assassinate." [High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton
On other topics
"The only way a Supreme Court nominee could win the approval of NARAL and
Planned Parenthood would be to actually perform an abortion during his
confirmation hearing, live, on camera, and preferably a partial-birth
"We're [women] not that bright."
"I think the rest of the countries in the Middle East, after Afghanistan
and Iraq, they're pretty much George Bush's bitch." Jan 2005
"Isn't it great to see Muslims celebrating something other than the
slaughter of Americans?" Feb 2005
Canadians "better hope the United States doesn't roll over one night and
crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent."
In case you’ve never read it (and if not, where have you been???), *The Landover Baptist
Church* newsletter is a savagely tongue-in-cheek parody of modern fundamentalist Christianity. One of the better departments is the review section by (the probably pseudonymed) Mrs. Betty Bowers. Glom this fileting of Ann Coulter for a sample.
“Godless -- From One Who Knows!”
by Mrs. Betty Bowers
This week, sweet Ann Coulter released her latest in a series of pre-rehab
books, entitled Godless. Naturally, the title led me to believe that it was
an unexpectedly candid autobiography. Alas, she may be saving that book
until after she's been strapped to a bed at Hazelden for a month. Instead
of using this book to dabble in the bracing novelty of introspection, Miss
Coulter turns her two-setting mind ("off" and "off her rocker") to hector us
Let's be honest: Reading a book about religion from Ann Coulter is
tantamount to reading a book about dieting from Michael Moore. After all,
who wants to be lectured about not being Christian enough by an almost-50
year-old boozehound in a black leather miniskirt who has never been
married? Count me as having a healthy skepticism over whether Miss Coulter
has saved herself for marriage. Or anything, for that matter.
In Godless, Miss (oh, how it pains me to refer to that serially-rejected
spinster as "Miss," but something Miss Coulter usually eschews -- accuracy
-- compels me) Coulter turns her shrill furnace of brayed invective, fueled
by a bottomless quarry of prickly psychological damage, at the most
despicable people in the world. No, not the maniacal murderers who flew
planes into the World Trade Center towers, but the blameless Americans who
had their flesh burned off of their bodies in those buildings -- and the
inconsolable spouses they left behind.
Yes, she directs an anger that shirks all management on women whose husbands
were murdered on 9/11. Apparently, in Miss Coulter's religion, the meek may
inherit the Earth, but not before she's had a shot at making them cry
first. With a mouth so busy frothing it apparently has no time to eat, Miss
Coulter claims to be livid at these opportunistic widows for being crass
enough to remember the event that killed the father of their children.
She is also angry at them for being people difficult to hate more
publicly. While it is wonderfully entertaining to watch Miss Coulter
disingenuously complain that she is somehow unable to criticize people she
not only criticizes, but savagely impugns, it is important to remember that
this smoke and mirrors Persecution Complex is every bit as important to the
theater of right wing punditry as the chandelier is to Phantom of the Opera.
Miss Coulter gets prickly -- well, stays prickly -- about 9/11 widows being
compensated as a result of the catastrophe. Frankly, I think she is simply
exhibiting a fierce territoriality on behalf of herself and other
Republicans who have used 9/11 to win elections and sell books. Her
attitude seems to be: Exploiting 9/11 is our shtick -- find your own way to
make money! This must account for why she doesn't take Lisa Beamer to task
for registering "Let's Roll!™" as a trademark and slapping it on the
trinkets she sold on the Internet. [FOOTNOTE 2]
[accompanying a strange PhotoShopped picture:] Ann Coulter (billed as "Joan
Van Ark") in a television gig preceding her current role as Sean Hannity's
concubine [FOOTNOTE 3] on the Fox sitcom Hannity and Colmes
Of course, Ann's every utterance is a carefully choreographed gambit to
convert sensationalistic bad taste into sensationally good sales. In this
way she is like another rapidly aging blond sex kitten, Madonna, someone
else with no discernable talent other than getting people to ask, "Did she
really do that?" Miss Coulter mocking the widows of men incinerated by
burning jet fuel in the World Trade Center is just her competitive
one-upmanship of Madonna showing up on a mirrored crucifix, all but
screaming "Look at me! Isn't this SHOCKING?" And you have to give credit
where it is due: Miss Coulter could squeeze ink out of a tombstone.
But in her mercantile zeal to say what sells, Miss Coulter endeavors to
create an image that has apparently had a nasty falling out with reality,
leaving them no longer on speaking terms. Indeed, to hear Miss Coulter
speak (in that wound up Martha Stewart-on-helium Connecticut lockjaw voice
of hers), you'd think she is someone who actually embraces heartland,
Christian, American values. In reality, however, she is less like June
Cleaver baking pot-roast than she is like Samantha Jones baked on pot.
Indeed, this is no piously serene Christian wife, but a braying loud mouth
who wears super-slutty clothes, powders her bony nose more often than
Lindsay Lohan (if you know what I mean), knocks back scotch with an alacrity
that eludes Ted Kennedy since the advent of rheumatoid arthritis, lives only
in cities filled with homos and screws anything willing to bang an anorexic
skeleton. [FOOTNOTE 4]
This brings me to Miss Coulter's teen tramp wardrobe. Miss Coulter showed
up to the Today show this week wearing a black cocktail dress three sizes
too small. At seven in the morning, mind you. No woman in New York wears a
little black dress that early in the day unless she is burying someone dead,
or looks like someone dead, as she makes a Whore of Babylon predawn retreat
from the previous night's licentious debauchery. This may account for why
Matt Lauer told me that the poor thing smelled like an ashtray.
But it wasn't the color of the dress that was so telling. No, it was the
"Look! I got myself one of those Brazilian waxes!" length that spoke more to
a Jackie Stallone determination to hang on to youth with knuckles no longer
white but bleeding. Indeed, it seems that Miss Coulter's whole sense of
self comes from thinking she is a "hot young babe" who drives, presumably
myopic, men wild with a sexual desire so ardent they no longer hear the
nonsense she is saying. Goodness me, who would have ever guessed that the
Achilles heel for most Republican men would be the sight of pre-operative
transsexuals in dresses made for someone 20 years younger?
Miss Coulter suffers from an affliction I like to call Mariah Carey by
Proxy. Celebrities who suffer from this debilitating disease so seldom seek
help before some ruthless person takes a photograph of them. Mariah Carey
by Proxy afflicts menopausal woman who think they would break the hearts of
teenage boys throughout America if they ever showed up in public with a
nipple-baring "Love Waits" tube-top. NOTE: Call your doctor if you find
yourself wearing clothes that flash undernourished, middle-age legs and
surgically-levitated bosoms, particularly when such revealing clothing is
not appropriate for the occasion. Side effects may include wearing your hair
like a junior high school cheerleader even though you are rapidly
URGENT PRAYER WARRIOR REQUEST: Please join me in a prayer circle for dear,
sad Miss Coulter, as plastic surgery and Photoshop do not seem to be sparing
this one-note minx from becoming the Baby Jane Hudson of the
For those of you pressed for time, but still don't wish to miss out on the
tedium of being regaled by one recycled thought spread out over 300-odd
pages: You can finish any Coulter book in less than15 minutes by simply
skipping over the word "liberals." Try it! This time saving technique is
even more effective with anything typed by Sean Hannity, who has shown the
bracing resourcefulness it takes to parlay basically two thoughts into an
FOOTNOTE 1: This dexterous conjuring allows us to control the White House,
the Supreme Court, the Senate and the House of Representatives and still
blame the country's current leadership vacuum on the all-powerful and
scurrilous liberals, who secretly and invisibly control everything -- just
like all those homos control all of our marriages! [back]
FOOTNOTE 2: Miss Coulter doesn't criticize Mrs. Beamer, of course, because
Miss Coulter doesn't genuinely object to 9/11 widows being messengers; she
selectively objects to their messages. If the women in New Jersey she so
charmingly calls "witches" had expressed political opinions in lock-step
conformance to the television-friendly slogans of Sean Hannity, Miss
Coulter would have been applauding them. Instead, Miss Coulter is trying to
silence them. Why? Because extreme right wing politics has always been
about silencing inconvenient dissent. I'm a godly Republican -- trust me on
As is rather typical of the unblinking supporters of an unpopular ruler,
Miss Coulter seems to think that only select Americans should have the right
to inject their opinions into the public discussion of political ideas.
This shows an appalling disregard for the way America was supposed to work.
When it comes to talking about politics in this country, every citizen not
only has the right, but the obligation, to speak his mind -- even if he
shows no signs of actually having one.
And how wonderfully presumptuous that Ann Coulter thinks she is more
qualified to speak about 9/11 -- or anything -- than the rest of us,
especially someone who lost family in that murderous event. Ann Coulter is
nothing more than a television personality. (Like Suzanne Somers -- only on
the tail end of a 7-month fast.) And she is a television personality who
exhibits no inclination to use statistics accurately or honestly. For
example, in her new book, she compares total molestations by teachers with
those of priests to argue that the former is a bigger problem, collusively
ignored by the union-worshipping, church-desecrating liberals. But she
fails to take into account the enormously disproportionate ratio of teachers
to priest in America. And if you think that was just unintentionally sloppy,
you don't know dear Miss Coulter. [back]
FOOTNOTE 3: I don't gossip, except to save a soul or a conversation, so
don't ask me about the rumors about the unmarried Coulter and the married
FOOTNOTE 4: Had I typed any of that I would have included the word
"allegedly," but the Lord apparently countenances no such quibbles when He
uses my keyboard to throw His voice.
"Ann Coulter is either a very devious, liberal performance artist or
mentally ill. There is no middle ground." -- Mrs. Betty Bowers
"There are none so blind as those who will Nazi." -- Mrs. Betty Bowers
“More intent on provoking a laugh than a thought, Ann Coulter is the
Nationalist Socialist Party yin to Sarah Silverman's Jewish yang.” -- Mrs.
MY LAST DITCH at convincing you is to ask why anyone would read that miserable ANN PERSON when you can have the glory of KATRINA VANDEN HEUVEL editor of 150 year old NATION MAG, all those articles her writers give her, then you get her personal blog, her wit, her spirit. She is evolving, exalting, the perfect GOD SPIRIT human in a goddess body. The second you listen to O'Reilly or Newt or Hannity, the Satan bride's squeeze, tho he's married, and all the other coke sniffing reptiles --you are using precious time you could be absorbing the pure, salubrious essence of Katrina.
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