SAFETY RULES FOR PARENTS AND CHILDRENNEVER leave a sharp tool on a bed or sofa. Having pulled a cuticle massager out of my buttock, I do not recommend the whole adventure.
TODDLERS CANNOT NAVIGATE STAIRS, all the time. Maybe they'll be OK 9 times out of ten, but there's that tenth time. What can we do? Toddler sized Railings are good but strong ones are costly to erect. If CONCRETE STAIRS exist near the home's exterior, lock that exit door. If you just can't as it leads to the back yard, carpet the steps with heavy, industrial carpet, glue-on firmly.. so that you can prevent the baby's instant death cracking cement but junior still may get hematoma on the brain just from the bump on the noggin.
ALL POTS ON STOVE GET HANDLES TURNED AWAY FROM THE COOK who is hopefully smart enough to get the stove glove or hotpad to move toward them. Kids won't reach up to see what's in the pot, hopefully. If there is chocolate pudding cooking, scenting the house, stay right next to it.
SKATE BOARDING is dumb if you don't have massive hospital and surgeical coverage. Tell your boys that Hands are how we humans earn our living. One little fractured growth plate and that kid will never work a PC right again. You want to move fast and break everything? Stand out in traffic. You will do both.
BICYCLES are great fun. I know a very intelligent adult who is poor by choice, he really enjoys bicycling around the city of Los Angeles. 40 separate times he was hit by cars, many surgeries, many hospital stays and he's a bright guy. Or he was, the last S.U.V. left him flatter than a pancake. Senior eyes do not see the floating single figure in their rear view mirror. He zigged, she zagged, then dragged. R.I.P. recreational bicyclist. That woman was insured to the max but my pal had no heirs, so...what is the sound of one hand clapping? SHMMUUUUUUSSSSH!
NO GRANNIES NEED BABYSIT- CRAZY GRANNIES are the worst of all. If the woman ever had a history of hitting a child, your baby is better off in daycare in Rumania. Short tempered women are useless to children, they destroy them, emotionally and physically. But here's the thing; Even the kindest Granny can space out and junior can still end up face down in the toilet. They're dumb at that age, both of them, Seniors lose gray matter; encroaching ALZHEIMERS is rampant. Single mothers should just stay home & start a cottage industry & get welfare. Married mothers should stay home until junior's old enough for daycare and live on HIS salary with a super frugal lifestyle!
BABIES PERCHED NEAR WINDOWS DO NOT NEED A VIEW - A kid slips, he can fall through the glass and certainly through any screen devised by man. Interior shutters that lock firmly over BOTTOM half of the window are required. Junior wants a view of nature put on HISTORY CHANNEL.
LICORICE AND COAXIAL CABLE WIRES LOOK STRANGELY ALIKE. All wires seem nicely chewable. Even ONE TOOTH can touch a copper wire.
THROAT CLOGGING FOOD CAN SUFFOCATE JUNIOR BEFORE HE MAKES A PEEP! Say you or the twit babysitter or granny are watching tv or are on the phone and he's eating FINGER FOOD. Smart adults inhale corners of toast, popcorn, celery chunks and die. Why wouldn't a baby? You won't hear him, either.
NO TODDLERS NEAR WATER, TOILETs CLOSED OR ELSE - Drowing is number one cause of toddler death tied with AUTOS. Children have heat-sensing devices in their frontal lobes that can point them toward any pool, body of water, slippery gold fish pond and into it they will fall or slip or dive.
NO CORDS ON ANY CURTAIN OR VENETIAN BLIND - Strangling in cords happens a lot. Ask HOME DEPOT guy for the fix.
SIDEWALKS ARE NOT SAFE AS DOGS ARE OUT THERE. NEIGHBORS' HOMES ARE NOT SAFE as DOGS ARE THERE. GET IT? DOGS ARE NOT SAFE! That means no toddler or child goes out of your enclosed yard unaccompanied. And second, carry a club.
CHIMPS can take apart a kid as fast as they can take apart a pidgeon. As a child I watched one do it. screaming, I watched. Monkey cages at the zoo can be traumatic.
HIKING AND CLIFF EDGES- You'd think nobody could go off that edge unless they were fall down drunk. Sober people go off edges all the time. AVOID EDGES. You want a VIEW get NATURE CHANNEL.
NO BABIES IN CARS- Out of every l00 car trips you take, one will result in a bad accident with people hurt. The AUTOMOBILE is the greatest cause of infant /child death. Leave the baby home. Mothers should stay home. The safest way to put an infant in a carseat is backwards. A TODDLER can go frontwards.
Automobile accidents, All-terrain vehicle (ATV) accidents, bike accidents, burns, scalding, falls, gun and firearm accidents, child abuse and neglect, shaken baby syndrome, defective products like car seats and strollers, drowning and swimming pool accidents, dangerous household appliances or equipment, defective toys, electrocution from unsafe sockets and electrical products, household fires, flammable clothing, poisoning from household chemicals, strangulation, suffocation in cribs, dangerous conditions on public or private property, and playground accidents are all to blame for the unexpected death of thousands of children every year
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