BOA --THE BANK OF AMNESIA
THE BOA CONSTRICTOR BANK
 

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN SOME PERSON or CORPORATION HAS BAD KARMA and you should stay far away from them? Evil things happen to them is how! (LIKE AIG sues BANK OF AMERICA for TEN BILLION)  Guilty for selling those derivative thingies, ole BoA has offered to settle out of court for 8.5 Billion. And then, there's this CLASS ACTION SUIT one of many, related to BOA and their illegal  multiple squeezes on clients, check charges, phony insurance charges, ( personally was hit by both for nearly five hundred bucks!) Like they put a hit on whistleblowers. http://www.alternet.org/story/152723/how_bank_of_america_covered_up_fraud_by_silencing_whistleblowers?akid=7708.23746.iPH40P&rd=1&t=15

Or like in summer 2011, they announce they are going to fire l0% of their work force. See:
http://www.wsws.org/articles/2011/sep2011/boam-s13.shtml

Or how about their keeping the cash transfers given to people who have no access to a computer that can 'watch' their account. Being an astrologer, people send me money by electronic transfer. (I had a 20 yr old computer, being nearly 80 yrs old and couldn't go to any BOA page.) So there's this segment of us out here who can't check except by dialing a robot

Well  BOA took 80% of this client's cash transfers to me. We discovered it when I said to this client, you talk to me on phone for hours every day or so and she always says "I'm making an instant cash transfer to you for 15$ or 20$" After a few weeks of being broke, I upbraid her. Wozzup?  I never got them. She was shocked, said, "I paid you on these dates."

"No." I say. (I had robo-dialed the BOA 800 number and listened to robot tell me of electronic transfers, they never arrived. I tell her all this.  My client who I know for a few years... is surprised, she calls the CLAIMS line, gives them the dates she SENT MONEY to MY BOA account calls me back and says 'ANITA, the money was sent on each date that I spoke to you in the last 15 days." I go to my robo fone line and NOW THE ROBOT has the transfers! She had to call and complain to get them to fork over the money that BOA had purloined. This is no glitch in the system. This was theft. BOA can send your electronic transfers into LIMBO and you may not figure it out for years!

Another thing they do. If you use your debit card at the market, and the market says 'whoops, there's no money in your account. THEY CHARGE you for that attempt as if it were a bounced check. 35$

At that point, your account is DOUBLY EMPTY, MINUS MINUS. Gasping. So, say you put 100 cash in the ATM,  they TAKE your penalty 35$ then of course, your next check to the PHONE COMPANY bounces. PHONE company charges you 70$ for the bad check, NOW the BOA sends you a POSTAL MAIL letter which takes a week and a half to arrive. In that time, you've written two other checks, PETCO 15$ Super Market 20$ ---those checks are all going to bounce as you think 100$ is there, it isn't. NOW YOU GET the slow moving LAND LETTER from BOA stating the fact that you NOT ONLY have no money, 4 bounced checks at 35$ a swack.......YOU OWE THEM 150$ Half your Social Security check (as I never worked a day in my entire life, am a single mother with 4 children, and raising them took 35 years.) 1963-1998.

The thing is, --if you see how criminally savvy BOA IS, what thieves they are there and you still use them, you're stupid. Rather I AM.

BOA announced recently that if we use our DEBIT card to buy anything, even one purchase a month, we will get charged 5$ that month. ( Government caused this withDODD FRANK law, just went into effect,  requiring banks not to pass on such big debit card costs to the merchants and stores, but to lower the sting by half, pass some on to bank customers.) Somebody's gotta rethink this as this PASSING IT ON TO THE POOR average ATM VERSATELLER card-possessing poor GUY sucks. Instead pass it to the rich consumer or the billion buck CORPORATION! That one regulation change is gonna cost this entire ECONOMY because nobody in lower/middle class will carry a debit card any more. Nobody will make impulse purchases. Nobody will spend more than the ten-spot in their pocket no matter what tempting, pricey food or dud emporium they are in! At least no BOA patron! What will that do to the GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT? Bring it way way down is what. Poor and middle class persons, i.e. 99% of America will  make sure of that! We just won't spend! Not a tenth of what we used to and sadly, what goes around comes around. And the second sad thing, the message about capitalism in attrition, everybody suffocating, BOA shooting the GNP in the foot will NOT stop any other  bank from doing this to poor people who may feed their entire family on 5$ a day. ALL the banks will charge for the DEBIT CARD. Spending grease is about to run out! See the corruption coming out of other banks at a website dedicated to tracing crime by Finance.

http://www.wanttoknow.info/bankingfactsinformationcorruption#summaries

 We gotta fight back, so these are your weapons, your tactics:

A) Go back to writing CHECKS? Of course, have you seen what they charge for a box of checks
lately??? A week of food. Also, you also need I.D. and seniors have no driver's license. I haven't driven in years. At age 74, I am on a bike, go get groceries, limit self to 2 bags, swinging off handlebars on way home, jamming in the gears too! No way I can go 6 miles to DMV, get a PHOTO ID license so nobody will take my checks. My Passport expired in the 80's.  There are definite chinks in the system for the overaged-under-served.

B.) FIND A SMALL BANK, or better a CREDIT UNION with FREE CHECKING, FREE DEBIT CARD and if you can find that, terminate your lease, get a tent and head for the Rockies, go prospect for gold. You're that lucky! Now, myself, I don't know what a credit union is! i grew up in the fifties, Never noticed one on our boulevard. Was it invented back then? Why do they NOT go in for the sprinkling of gratuitous fees? I could understand if they were attached to some RELIGIOUS or charitable org, like RED CROSS BANK, Bank of the SALVATION ARMY or GOOD WILL INDUSTRIES CREDIT UNION. Maybe we wouldn't MIND a 5$ a month fee as long as  they gave something to the poor... like FREE CHECKING! But their sincere name value and logo means a lot. Someone should go to these reputable orgs and suggest they enter the CREDIT UNION BUSINESS and run it like a charity!

C.) Keep cash in your house in a secret place, and when you go OUT, put your estimated grocery money in your wallet, no extra. Spending is harder to do with cash. It's not like a plastic card you can just WAVE! With real money, WE WILL SPEND a TENTH the amount! Guaranteed the entire economy will get its waist cinched as SO MANY of us use BOA but the cataclysmic effect on US GNP will maybe change Washington's mind about THE NEW BILL.  I can see us taking a ten from that stash under the matress, going out for food, but seriously PAUSING before we pluck up a twenty -- and NOT DOING IT. We'll just eat for l0$ somehow.

D.) Economize across the board. Rather than buy yogurt, we make our own. Rather than buy bread at nearly 4$ a loaf, we make our own. Rather than buy costly meat cuts, we buy chicken on sale. Yesterday 59c a bag of drums! Rather than costly vegies, we will grow our own. Rather than costly fish? TILAPIA on sale, tastes as good as bass, amazingly enough! Better yet is frozen pollock, $2.49 at Kroger stores for 3 fillets. Very fine eating. I make my own tartar sauce, tsp relish, tbspoon mayo. BEST is a fishing trip with the family, FILL THE FREEZER.

We will indulge in super frugal habits. I write on the subject, at the FRUGAL WEBSITE. So BOA's wicked decision will be good for us, bad for AMERICA.
---
E.) BIG ticket purchases, washers, dryers, cars can be avoided. We simply FIX the old one. 5$ may not add much to the big item purchase cost but I'd rather give it to the little Vietnamese man who came in a BOAT where 1 in 2 survived...(Vietnam to Malaysia is 1300 miles so half died) a guy who fixes old appliances, has huge shop down the street.

F.) BOA has participated in every kind of rip off of its own consumers  Try 10$ charge if you see teller (after you sign up for free banking if you only use ATM outside.) Try 35$ each time your DEBIT card taps even a penny into their money. I mean your money in their hands. But this latest ripoff is going to fly up in their faces. As it impacts AMERICA'S GNP & MARKETPLACE. When impulse buys stop happening, the Economy will feel it.

G.) Switch to a credit union bank with no fees. Problem with seniors is, we are USING the bank that we can bike or walk to. Nowadays seniors don't have cars. (annual fees, insurance are sky high.) We have no 'rides.' Our children left the area to move to HAWAII or NEW YORK. No way we can WALK to the bank at two miles in this smog and global warming. BOA happens to be within a bike ride for this 70 yr old  take-her-life-into-her-hands-on-a-man's-BeachCruiser crone. No, I couldn't even set up an acct anywhere else, not even out of a one time visit.

H.) Get a CREDIT CARD!  A lot of banks give you 200$ when you do that, counting on you to go nuts with plastic! A frugal Yahoo lister reports: I keep my debit card locked in my safe. I use my credit card for as many purchases as I can. I get points for each purchase. I recently stayed in a hotel 4 nights "free" by using points. I pay the balance the first of each month to avoid interest.

I'm here to tell you, BANK OF AMERICA is in the dictionary under 'bad karma'.  The government had to bail these miscreants out, cuz duhhhh, they're going broke. Congress caught the bank president giving billions in pay packages to its exectutives ...tips on top of salaries... during a year they lost billions. Just a pile of pigs at the trough! So how and WHY does a hundred year old AMERICAN banking establishment with a built in profit margin up the wazoo suddenly have this kind of BAD LUCK KARMA? Turns out they didn't earn their money; babe; they stole it!And they stole it from seniors! So LOUSY are their banking skills that out of all the banks who got T.A.R.P bail-out money ...BOA couldn't even VOW TO REPAY IT LATER.

JULY of 2010, Bank of America was ignoring new laws to make credit card penalties clear at the onset, when clients sign up! HIDDEN PENALTIES still exist for BOA CredCard USERS.
http://www.boston.com/business/personalfinance/articles/2010/07/22/credit_cards_not_always_clear_on_penalty_rates/

GOOGLE "credit cards" as search term + Plus Sign + Bank of America.  BOA is a total scoff law and is ignoring the new laws making double down penalties, hidden penalty terms, ILLEGAL!

THE OTHER banks all DID agree to make penalties evident when you sign up for a credit card. And for a while, the other banks have told US GOV "we promise to repay'  Obama and the US Taxpayers. The Bank of Amnesia couldn't or wouldn't make that vow.  To be fair, neither could CITIBANK (*who also was caught commiting CREDIT CARD SWEEP FRAUD!! ) (LIVE LINK, CLICK ON IT!)  but BANK OF AMERICA is the one with AMNESIA in their name boldly, nakedly declaring to ALL that they forget loyalty to their president, their country, the taxpayers and to their DEPOSITORS! In a time of RECESSION, they forget their manners. They forget to be honest. They forget to restrain their naked greed. SEE KEN LEWIS' DEPARTURE with 68 million under his arm. http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-lewis-pay3-2009oct03,0,1052008.story
And being a lot of very bad boys, soon, very soon they are going to forget to exist. But before they go they're going to stiff as many clients as they can.  Among big lenders, Bank of America Corp. had the worst performance in the  Treasury Department report card released Thursday. The nation's largest  lender completed just 98 modifications for the 160,000 borrowers who had signed up by the end of November. GMAC Mortgage had the most modifications  of any lender, just 7,100.

I am here to testify to how bad BOA is:    First, they lose your deposits. YEP! A client called me recently said, 'why didn't you deposit my check from late June?' I went and looked at my stack of deposit receipts found that I had the ATM receipt for June 26th, the right amount, 100$ and the receipt even had the "photograph of the check" that the machine gives you these days, but on my statement, which I'd just received, not three weeks later, that deposit did not appear! They did not even credit my account with that amount! So they lost my deposit, or their worker stole it, or the ATM had been jimmied, checks taken. Who knows what happened? Somebody made a boo boo. I had to go into the bank and show them my photo-deposit slip to get credit for it! If the check writer HAD NOT phoned me, the bank would have stolen that hundred bucks!*They told me someone broke into their ATM btw.

NEXT, THEY feloniously charge you for  ACCIDENT INSURANCE accounts that you didn't sign up for; they dock your account monthly for that, and do so for years on end! Their trick is to send you an ad saying sign here it's free, totally free, and below it a box that you could check if you wanted MORE insurance but you don't check it. THEY DO when they get your postcard!This happened to me. I was paying for insurance for years on end! Swear to GOD! Finally I caught this extra charge, cuz hey, who reads statements except for the TOTAL LEFT.

I am told that BOA HIKES CREDIT CARD RATES at any time, how much they please, changing RATE boats on you, mid-stream. Then, they QUIT YOU at will, knocking your CREDIT RATING to smithereens. They did that to my Pal EVELYN, ruining her life.

FRAUD NUMBER FOUR, which I mentioned above, and the BIG ONE for the LITTLE PEOPLE: THEY HAVE HUGE OVERDRAFT FEES when they should just 'refuse a debit card at point of purchase' The computer no longer says 'no; to a purchase request which it used to do. Say YOU BUY A BUCK worth of salad greens at the market. WHAT IS SUPPOSED to happen is that if your account is too low for that head of salad, the computer says no. Market clerk says  'it was refused.' That's how they've done it for years, but not NOW! THEY PAY that head of lettuce and charge you 35$ for the loan! Me, I don't have credit cards. I just have a few checks, and a DEBIT CARD. But that's where they accomplish their Triumph of Evil, where they really get your tit in a wringer. They change their "Account Overdrawn" fees  at will -- and do not listen to seniors who say, I'm with you for 50 yrs, you never charged me 35$ overdrawn penalty before! The super market usually just turns off the cash register and puts your grocery stuff back on the shelf.. In the old days, when your COMPUTERS denied credit at point of purchase, dummie here knew to put cash in the ATM! It was a much needed signal at the check out counter at market!

But suddenly, they PAY THE GROCERY and charge you 35$ for having done SO!  I never told my bank to pay for groceries if I didn't have a dollar, and to charge me 35$ for the privilege. I was not led to believe you behaved that way. You had a 50-year policy of simply giving a DENIAL at POINT OF PURCHASE. That suggested to the average depositor that by SHOPPING one could tell when she was out of money. Of course, that's not good enough for the BANKER's BOTTOM LINE so wily Coyote BOA changed the policy mid-stream. Their new policy is docking this senior 300$ in penalties just for going to the market for a dollar's worth of dog food! I'm here to testify to these horrors and MORE -- having just eaten a can of dogfood in their bank in front of TWO tyro MANAGERS, --to make my point that when they steal these huge sums from seniors the oldfolks starve and must eat dogfood! The two managers laughed at this stunt.

Two bank managers, both in early twenties, said they didn't remember the days when a debit card would simply flunk the food MARKET CHECK OUT STAND cash register test (and not get anybody penalized). THEY were too young. See cuz that was over 2 years ago. The junior manager age 23 had two yrs employment. I swore that the policy and procedure has been in place for the 50 years I've banked with them They didn't know about the old policy. They were just hired. I can' understand their JUNIOR AMNESIA but the l00 year old BANK'S??

DUMMIE here has banked at BOA for 50 yrs --ten yrs before my Mexican sojourn (spent 7 fertile 'lost'  years in San Miguel De Allende Mexico having 4 babies) came back to USA and banked with BOA for forty years while raising the children as a single mother. For fifty, stupid years I banked with these felons (somebody shoot me picking them was as dumb as picking the BASQUE husband, a man without the words CHILD SUPPORT OR ALIMONY in his cultural or mental dictionaries!)

LET ME TELL YOU HOW CROOKED BOA is. Five years ago, they sent me a "Do you Want FREE Accident Insurance?" advertisement. Wow! TOTALLY FREE as you're a BANK OF AMNESIA CUSTOMER! I see the word FREE,  realize free is good, say sign me up. Well, they charged my account $1.70 a month for I think it was five full years. One day I'm really scrutinizing my statement, I spot this little payment to them, saw they'd been doing it for five years. Ran in, said you stole 200$ from me, I fought it, tooth and nail; they said "Sorreeeeee and they handed me my orig SIGN UP contract. There was a square empty box with a check in it for TEN THOUSAND BUCKS INSURANCE.  I SAID I DID NOT CHECK THAT BOX. I asked for the free one only see, over here. I pointed. They said yes but there's that check in that little box there. The one I didn't make. And these brigands kept my 200$ ! I told them THAT CHECK MARK WAS CHECKED BY SOMEONE at the BANK INSURANCE OFFICE who saw me send back the blank with that BOX UNCHECKED! No matter. I WAS ROOKED for five yrs, that's a huge amount of money for a senior! A year of food. A month of rent... (Gov rooked me, my Social Security check is 340$ a month!)

Nossir, the only way to deal with the BANK OF AMERICA is to have eternal vigilence. Cuz they are playing dirty polo. I could have gone to WELLS FARGO and had a coffee maker or popcorn popper, or set of nesting bowls. Instead, I trusted a MAFIOSO from ITALY and their promises which were all lies. PALERMO PROMISES, good as the hot air they're breathed on. Yes, I'll say it. I'm not P.C. The MAFIA has another idea of what's honest from the vision you and I have. Does it seem honest that they QUIT THE OLD debit card empty, you stop shopping POLICY, the ONE BANK OF AMNESIA HAD FOR DECADES AND SUDDENLY FORGOT it and adopted another one that enables them to steal 20 billion a year from hazy seniors?

THE OLD POLICY was a precedent set by DECADES:  if I went to a super market with my debit card in hand and tried to buy food and if I happened to be out of money, --the grocer would say sorry the computer says that you can't buy this food. No penalty. You simply know to amp up the astrology work, in my case or maybe in your case, take out a begging bowl and show it to your children and  relatives. That's what seniors do in INDIA. They become wandering sadhus and the village feeds them. Certainly, you'd stop shopping at the PIGGLY WIGGLY!. You'd pick oranges off trees until the matter was rectified. Your own BANK WOULD NOT ALLOW you to step off a 350$ DEBT -to-them-CLIFF! BUT THE BANK OF AMNESIA DOES! Cuz their amnesia includes no loyalty to customers.

Americans don't do this to Americans. What happened is, this bank learned WILY COYOTE at the teat of an ITALIAN MAFIA MOTHER. It's Sicilian Long Division. The American  way, the honest way, didn't make enough money for the BANK OF AMNESIA -- so today they don't do that silly generous thing having the grocer say 'hey lady, your card is dead, gimme that can of dogfood back.'.

And they didn't inform their seniors that THEY HAVE THIS NEW POLICY, either. We go along to the market thinking, I'm fail safe. The grocer will warn me. And suddenly the SENIOR is dead in the water. You run to the bank and put in your social security check, Mine is 305$ a month, and see the entire check eaten up because there were six penalties in there. The postcards just haven't reached you yet.

You know what you do? You go home and eat dogfood, salted with garlic to make it savory and the senior's whole social security check is vaporized.

I fell into the TRAP of trusting them. BANK OF AMERICA sounds so wholesome. DREAM ON! You will starve! You will run out to buy a can of dogfood for a DOLLAR and then get charged a 35$ PENALTY each day, each can! EVERY poor, spacey SENIOR  who lives alone, forgotten by her four children, no food in the cupboard, all of us, trying to keep one bean can extra in our rented room for difficult days, will be up the river without a canoe or paddle.

MY SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK was 342$ a month for last five years -- a fortune. Did you know the U.S. GOVERNMENT took all of us down l5% so now I get 305$ a month to live on. And having no car, no way to go to WELFARE (OR THE OTHER FREE MONEY OFFICES OUT THERE) to get canned food or food stamps. Or to the CHURCH CHEESE giveaway which is 50 miles from here... or the H.E.A/P office to get a HEAT/WATER bill paid. They will pay one utility bill a year if you can get notarizations, original birth certificates, stamps, envelopes, mail in all your utility bills. I cannot walk to the POST OFFICE OR XEROX. I"m almost 80. (The DWP bill is 3 pages long, six if you count both sides and of course You do DWP as it's costliest.) Also, a senior has no way to get a driver's license which HEAP requires. Picture ID. As DMV is l0 miles, an unwalkable distance, no bus money. No food money and no friend rides as nobody want to know a senior as they'd have to DRIVE a senior to the market one day a week.  Anyway, Calif Governator said there's no more aid to adult indigents, so.. that whole food stamp thing 's over with. Ditto dental. Emergency rooms closed so there's no medical help. No oculists, nothing for seniors.(Ahnold did that to us.)

BANK OF AMNESIA knew that my income was 300$ a month as they got that SOCIAL SECURITY check on the lst of the month. They knew they did bait and switch policy on this ACCIDENT insurance gambit and now their NO DENIAL OF CREDIT at PT OF PURCHASE dead debit card dead senior policy but they chose to forget their old ways. Pre recession ways, just as they forgot to inform seniors that MARKETS WILL NO LONGER announce the empty checking acccount.. The BANK OF AMNESIA profits when they forget to warn their loyal clients with long memories that the old policy is gone. So that's why I call them the BANK OF AMNESIA.

I could call them the BANK OF SLIME as they chose a life of temptation and crime. The rewards were seductive. So they chose mowing through a field of senile seniors who sent their debit card out to buy food on days there was no money. A buck for the food, 35$ for the penalty.  Or Say you write check to landlord. It is a dollar short. THEY PAY it and bounce your daily debit card purchases for the rent and for every food purchase you make for a few weeks before you get the DELIBERATELY TARDY postcard series that says that they paid the landlord and they paid a dozen food shopping purchases, now you owe them a thousand bucks!

THAT IS MEAN. That is the QUEEN OF MEAN. They can't make money the honest way, charge you 22% for a credit card, charge you at least half of what that house purchase cost you. No, they can't do that. The Bank of Amnesia gets you by FORGETTING to send the poor senior a notice that those dollar cans of dogfood bought daily for their eating pleasure cost them 36$ each!

Ten days after you buy the dog food  an undated post card comes saying 'whoops, 35$ penalties and then like the comet that hit JUPITER, you get ten more postcards every excrutiating day -- some days, you get two penalties for 70$ and that continues for weeks after and the penalties are irreversible even for senile seniors.

GIVE SENIORS the  OLD WAY back where the DEBIT CARD STOPPED WORKING. So I complained. Ate dog food in front of two managers. And they said, "oh you want it the old way? We can do that for you."
Sign up for that program.

I was on that program for fifty years. Did the Bank of Amnesia forget? NO. They didn't forget. People who run a bait and switch operation have minds like steel traps.  So I am urging all of you who were likewise trapped by these Mafiosos to find other banks with human hearts, not a stack of lies, find credit unions, small emerging banks and switch away from the  BANK of AMNESIA! P.S. I called the highest supervisor and was told, we'll forgive you June but it's too late for March, April and May. We can't even find those records. See? My point exactly! Amnesia!

PS. An insider wrote me: " BofA knows it's going to  get in trouble so they're purchasing domain names like
Bankofamericansucks.com.  Why?  So they can control & spin the message  and damage control when the story breaks not because they're trying to  stop the story but because they want to spin the fallout in their direction.

Now for a true story from another senior, a doctor/surgeon: " 3 years ago I had a Home Mortgage Loan going with BOA- I gave them a 500 dollar deposit and the loan officer promised that I would get that money back if loan didn't process.  After 5 months they ask for an appraisal when they already had obtained one.  What was that about? I had to pay a huge amount for both appraisals but there was no fighting them on this. And then the #*&%(*s refused my loan, it wouldn't process. I tried to get the 500 dollars back and BOA CONSTRICTOR said no way.   Fortunately I had done all this with American Express.  Filed a complaint with Amex they investigated and told BOA they were not getting paid and don't bother to appeal.  But think of the millions who DO NOT have AMEX and whom BOA stiffs with impunity. The coup de gras was when I saw what they did with their bailout money- -- sending it abroad. I decided to switch to my local bank- more leg work but much more satisfying.  Big Banks Suck!"

2017- Latest FRAUD FROM BOA. My landlady got it into her head she needed 'money orders.' The post office is cheap, but they require piles of AUTHENTIC UP TO DATE I.D. So I go to BOA they know my account with them is 48 years old. Since 1969 when I signed up. They demand all my ID's I give them expired passport and driver's licenses. The Armenian senior at the window says she'll take them to show manager. She disappeared. Came back. A WEEK OR TWO LATER I saw that she'd STOLEN MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD. BOA demands 20$ for each rental money order and in spite of their having taken my I.D. they won't let me off. I can't get HEAP help for utility without social security. I foned SS who demands stacks of ID including original birth certificate, I can't buy a stamp, it's 2 miles to post office. I can't get a new SOC SECURITY CARD. My life is virtually over thanks to BOA. So it's time for a laugh Let me give you atrue story about a granny whose bank wouldn't honor her check to her plumber.  An actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
       _________________________________

       Dear Sir:

       I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
       to pay my plumber last month.

       By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
       presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
       to honor it..

       I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
       pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
       years.

       You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
       and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
       inconvenience caused to your bank.

       My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
       caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

       I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
       letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
       impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
       has become.

       From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
       person.

       My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
       be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
       personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
       nominate.

       Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person
       to open such an envelope.

       Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
       employee to complete.

       I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
       about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

       Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
       countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
       financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
       accompanied by documented proof.

       In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
       number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

       I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
       modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
       account balance on your phone bank service.

       As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

       Let me level the playing field even further.

       When you call me, press buttons as follows:

       IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

       #1. To make an appointment to see me.

       #2. To query a missing payment.

       #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

       #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

       #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

       #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

       #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
       is required.

       Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
       Contact mentioned earlier.

       #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

       #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

       The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
       automated answering service.

       #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

       While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
       will play for the duration of the call.

       Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
       establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

       May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

       Your Humble Client

       And remember: Don't make old People mad.

       We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to
       piss us off.

Write me at astrology@earthlink.net and I will help you thru the WITHDRAWAL PAINS!

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Our POSTER is ANITA SANDS HERNANDEZ, Los Angeles Writer, Researcher, Humorist, Ombudsman, Futurist and Astrologer. Catch up with her websites TRUTHS GOV WILL HIDE & NEVER TELL YOU, also The  FUTURE, WHAT'S COMIN' AT YA! FRUGAL LIFE STYLE TIPS,  HOW TO SURVIVE the COMING GREAT DEPRESSION, and Secrets of Nature, HOLISTIC, AFFORDABLE HEALING. Also ARTISANRY FOR EXPORT, EARN EUROS....* Anita is at astrology@earthlink.net ). Get a 15$ natal horoscope "my money/future life" reading now + copy horoscope as a Gif file graphic! No smarter, more accurate career reading out there!

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